Uncertainties

I am in a weird place right now and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I can't hold myself up much longer. I've moved back home, and while that unburdens me financially, it adds a whole laundry list of other struggles. Since the death of my dad, my mom has been dependent on me for support in many different areas. I'm her emotional rock, as well as her bookkeeper, and in some cases, her best friend. She is doing so well and her strength is such a witness. I am so proud of her. But my fear is that I won't be able to provide her with the support she needs because the rest of my life has taken over.

On top of that, I'm trying to balance a full time job with a part time school schedule. The school thing is what's killing me. More than once over these last couple of weeks I've seriously considered just giving up on the master's degree. Not for lack of trying, I've just never felt this inadequate before. I sat through a three hour corporate finance class last night and didn't understand one word of what this woman was talking about. I'm not sure I've got what it takes to make it through this program.

And to round it all out, I really miss my dad. It's his absence in the normal, routine type stuff that hurts the most. Picking up the phone to call him when I have a free moment to find out how his doctor's appointment went. Or sitting in traffic last night at 10:30 and picturing myself walking into the house and just unloading all of my frustrations on him. He was really good for that. I had a dream about him last night, nothing extraordinary, but he was there and we were together, and I didn't want to wake up.

Everyone keeps telling me to "keep the faith" or "take it to Jesus," or something else very cliche, but for me, right now, that's easier said than done. I admire those who can keep the faith in the midst of their struggles. I've never been very good at that.