Always There

Every day it's the same.

I wake up and think about him. I go to work and think about him. I sit in class and think about him. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it doesn't. I never know when the crying will begin and I definitely don't know when it will stop. Most of the time the crying is inconvenient and I can stop it very quickly.

Today was a crying day.

It's interesting because most of the time I can talk about him without crying. I'm just relaying information. I can talk about his sickness, his treatment, his funeral, and even his death. Just information. There's no emotion or memories attached to that information. I could be talking about anyone.

But then, the memories start, the emotions follow, and crying is inevitable. This morning is a perfect example. I was sitting on my floor putting on my make-up before going to work. My mind started to wander and I remembered that last year during Fleet Week, April was trying to find volunteers to help shuttle sailors to different community relations events. I had mentioned it to dad and he said he would like to do that. Unfortunately, I told him about it too late and he missed the deadline for background checks. Dad said it was no big deal and that he would do it next year. That's when the tears started.

My friends don't think I cry enough, but I just don't cry in front of them.