Strength (Fear)

We're coming up on the year anniversary of my dad's death.

They say after the first year it gets easier, but I'm not sure who they are. Are they even qualified to make statements like that?

Maybe it will get easier after the first year, but right now it's not easy at all. I have this constant sense of foreboding and this gnawing in the pit of my stomach that I can't get rid of. Trust me, I've tried.

I don't even know if I've even truly mourned his passing. Or at least mourned properly. My family has never really seen me cry and my dad never saw me cry. I had to be the strong one. The one that could make all the decisions, call hospice, pick up his meds, plan the funeral. I don't have to be that strong girl anymore, but I can't seem to let her go. She's too familiar, too real, too comfortable.

Right before my dad passed he actually apologized to me. He said he was sorry that he was leaving me to take care of my mom and he was sorry that he would never get to walk me down the aisle. Those were his two regrets. Regrets for things he had no ability to change. How could I not be strong for him?

But I feel that strength beginning to wane as the one year mark approaches. That strength is being replaced by fear. Fear that it will get easier, and I will hate myself because of it. Fear that it won't get easier. Fear that others will make a big deal out of it. Fear that they won't. Fear that Christmas Eve will eventually just become Christmas Eve again. Fear that my Christmas Eve's to come will never be the same.

I am lucky to be blessed with friends and family and a Father who love and care about me. I draw my strength from them and I pray that He will replace my fear with His strength.